Kristen's DysFUNctional Life!

Moving

2011-07-22T09:40:00.001-07:00

A much lighter post! We are finally getting out of snobville and moving in with Heidi and Cory temporarily. YAYYYY! So excited. This means we will also be closer to Taryn, Natdawg and Seamonster in the interim. Loves!

Trust.

2011-07-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

Why do I tend to like people who are ticking time bombs and immature? I swear I gravitate to the irritated, demanding, narsistic folks. In my early 20's I would deliver back responses from these fools in the same manner that they delivered them to me. But. Now I just roll my eyes and move on. Its worth it. Trust. Dont waste energy throwing pie at the enemy. Stay productive :)

I heart Marilyn

2011-07-07T21:40:00.001-07:00

Marilyn Monroe is one of my favs including what came out of her mouf.

"I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell dont deserve me at my best"
-Marilyn Monroe

Lyrics that hit the heart

2011-06-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. The following lyrics to the Royksopp song - What Else is There... Dug at a certain event that happened to me and the boy I was dating in 1999. The guy means nothing to me now but the event was like a permanent tattoo that was invisible until I heard this song... WOW for opressed emotions to come forth just with some lyrics and sound.

Lyrics to What Else Is There? :

It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn't see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads end getting nearer
We cover distance but not together

I am the storm I am the wonder
And the flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I've got a golden ear
I cut and I spear
And what else is there

Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have a flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

There's no room where I can go and
You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

RIP ALLISON ROSE DOYLE

2011-05-31T11:11:00.001-07:00

On May 28th 2011 we lost a precious little angel, Allison Rose Doyle. May she rest in peace and her parents, grandparents, family and friends will hold a piece of her in our hearts forever.

me.

2011-03-05T10:20:00.001-08:00

Im so fucking rude. ugh. Hate me.

Yum. Love.Everything.About.This.Song.

2011-03-05T10:18:00.001-08:00

Fertility.

2011-03-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

Yuck. What a horrible subject. I don’t even know how to approach this. It’s something I’ve not cared about, battled over, cried over, laughed at, been jealous of and expressed every emotion under the rainbow with. For ever and ever I remember not wanting kids. I was always the girl growing up admiring the older kids, trying to be mature, and thinking anyone younger including babies were "stupid". Well this dumb, teen angst "I’m too cool for that" sense soon left and HEY! BAM! I was pregnant by accident at 22. Shoot. I had all kinds of dreams and plans to live out, and this came as a shock. While I didn’t think babies were "stupid" anymore, I thought I was pretty stupid to let this alter my dreams of college and successful career, modeling my parents. Side NOTE: I also planned to never have kids any time before 30 due to my parents being so young having me. They built careers and education while I grew up in order to provide me an outstanding life. While I can’t complain about not growing up deprived of everything I ever wanted, it kinda sucked not having them around to give me these things. Oh well, shit happens. And shit happened to me at a young age. Nightmare. At 22 and pregnant, I called the doctor whining of severe cramps and they got me into an ultrasound. I thought, hmmmm whatever, they are just checking things out. The ultrasound tech lady turned the monitor around. There it was. A little blob looking thing, with a spine and heart pumping a million miles an hour. I burst into tears. WTF I didn’t expect THAT! Whoa. Not just two lines on a stick, but a little alien thing growing in me that no one warned me I would see at this "ultrasound". The doctor sat me down and said hey, this and this and this and this and this and this is wrong and its only a matter of time before you miscarry. Deep inside I was relieved. I thought fate was on my side because I had internally wanted better plans for me before pushing any babies out. Soon after the miscarriage came, and I quickly realized that little alien with the little spine and fast heart was all gone. Devastated.

Fast forward a very short time, I moved out of state to Minnesota, land of the cold air. I did this to pursue my dreams of education, fast career, and huge money. I met my soul mate the day I moved here. We decided to marry, have babies, and push each other in wheel chairs the first day we met. Babies. Ugh. This was still a sour subject for me. But I wanted kids fast with him and knew deep in the inner soul/intuition/being of me it wouldn’t happen soon. Sounds dumb, but 6 years later I didn’t think we rushed fast enough. Oddly enough we are still not married and don’t have any children but he is STILL my soul mate. And we did get pregnant twice. Once, a tubal pregnancy and had to take methotrexate to abort it. The next was a chemical pregnancy miscarrying itself, a few days after it was confirmed at the doctor’s office.
So here, 6 years later we have started seeing a fertility doctor and paying thousands of dollars to find out I’m all screwed up. I’m gonna keep trying. And trying. But it all comes full circle to me. Maybe I didn’t want kids for a reason growing, up. Some higher power or fate wanted me to not want children knowing my difficulties or inability to conceive. All the while people close to me are having babies left and right, asking me on a daily basis how cute I think their kid is. While I do think yours and every kid out there is fucking precious I want my own. I will have a baby. And soon my visits and multiple dollars spent will begin again in May. Sorry for the rambling, it seems this blog is my therapist, and if you have kept reading, well… there is some insight on my baby making troubles. Stay tuned…..

Ugh

2011-03-04T17:44:00.001-08:00

I have SO many damn thoughts to share and this blogging thing is making me retarded. :)